Confused

After realizing that I haven't blogged in a month I thought I should get my fat ass planted in the seat and do some catching up.

This last month has been a roller coaster to say the least, Granny continues to fight her battle , but all the while she is self medicating and this is causing major problems.

The family in the first few weeks was good , able to communicate and be together without wanting to rip each others eyes out , but this has passed and now they all pretty much can't stand to talk or be around each other.Since half my family on my Granny side are addicts it makes it very hard to keep a sane person sane since we are trying to keep the pill poppers and coke heads out of the super strong meds that my GM is on.

Here is a daily dose:
8 AM: 40 mg oxycontin (extended release)
8 PM: 40 mg oxycontin (er), 2 mg Lorazepam , 150 mg Trazodone
Break through pain as neeeded
25 mg oxycodone ir (every 2 hours)
2 mg lorazepam (every 4 hours)
* now add a few Somas to the mix and you are dealing with a Zombe

Trust is a huge issue and puts added stress onto the already overwhelming situation of her impending death. We have had to purchase lock boxes and enforce a strict pill count twice a week , the doctor and nurses must love to do the in home visits they are given added work of having to count pills and triple check things.

Now as I said earlier my GM tends to self medicate and slips a Soma or three in here and there , this causes her to become dead weight and she has got to the point at times where she has refused to use the restroom and says she will just piss and shit the bed. This utter lack of respect for those of use who are trying our best to care for her is making the addict free half of the family pull out our fucking hair , it is sooooo hard and its never easy to care for a family member but when they are knowingly taking pills that could possibly kill them, makes us want to walk away.

I myself have called her out and said " I love you so much , but if you refuse to stop the added pill popping , I will not have a choice but walk away , since I am not going to be here when you kill yourself. If the god takes you ,that's one thing , but if you pass from an od,that's another." I know it may seem mean but when dealing with an addict it is so hard to grasp the idea that some one could be intentionally doing themselves so much harm.

Gm has got to the point where she just asks for more meds and refuses to admit to most members of the family that she in fact has a Soma problem , and out right lies to the DR. This is just making me question so much in my own head right now. I have a hard time understanding, but still I go and help her.

Fuck!