Is It Ever The Right Time?

Yesterday, when I went to get my Grandad for our lunch date he called out for me to look at some of the bedrooms (actually one bedroom, the one where my dad sleeps to show me what a mess it was) and then he asked me to come into my Grandmothers room ( a room I hadn't been in in over a year, and the last time I was in this room, she was still alive).

As soon as I walked in, I realized how long it had been since I was in there last and was flooded with emotion. I thought about the date and could remember every minute of that day one year ago when she was placed in Hospice. Also my first call to her asking her if it was 'OK' and she told me it was hot , that they had all the windows and doors open.

It has been 11 months since she died and my Grandad has decided to sell the house, he has agreed to let us install some tile in a few areas so we can spruce it up a bit, but I'm feeling strange about changing a house where all the decisions were made by my Grandmother.

I went back today to show him a few more tiles and he got emotional and said " I only wish my Gal was here to see it"

When we were walking through the house I just realized it must be such a hard decision to make to sell a house you have raised your children in and how no matter how many times I say there is no rush to him I can't help but doubt my own words.

I am so torn, I hate to make changes to a house I have loved my whole life, a house where I have been the happiest during all the family dinners and Christmas gatherings ( all of us kids fighting about who would get to be Santa and pass out the gifts on Christmas Eve).

The house where my son runs to the hall closet to find his long lost hot wheels and all the other toys that have been in there for the last 30+ years.

The house that used to smell like my grandparents (Tide and Downy), and where I had many fashion shows, showing my Grandad all the stuff I got after shopping all day with my Grandmother.

I don't want to see anyone else live there, but I don't want to see him live there alone either.

I'm sorry that this post may ramble on a bit, but I'm fighting through tears and thoughts as I type this.